phonetasmal | video | un: iondeluge

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video | un: iondeluge

[The video opens to a feed of a large egg sitting on Marla's bed. It's a luminous purple that's mostly pale throughout, although there's some wispy streaks of a darker violet that run like veins in different spots on the egg's surface. There's a crack in it, and Marla strokes it somewhat lovingly as she adjusts her camera.]

Alright, let's see what you are, little buddy.

[The crack grows bigger and bigger, until flecks of shell finally start falling off, and... oh look it's a bouncing baby candle]

Anyone know what I should name him?

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What the fu--what the fuck is THAT? What even is that thing?

It's a Litwick.

[It has a wick. The wick is lit.]

They're a kind of Pokemon. If I raise this bad boy up right he's gonna be a killer chandelier.

[She forgot she needs a Dusk Stone for that, but shush.]

...Pokemon get that weird, huh? It's uh.

It's not...traditional...fire...

I mean, it is a fire type. What's so weird about it?

..............

It's a candle.

A sentient candle and his name is Lavendertron 420.

Fuck yeah it is.

[Jail is so proud to have helped contribute to this.]

Fuckin' A.

[She gives a little thumbs up.]

Oh my god. Next you're gonna have a dildo pop out of an egg and call it Fuckbot 69.

No, Fuckbot 69 would be a Ditto.

That's what I said. [church]

Nah, one's a delightful fake penis and one is the primordial ooze that comes from the dick of the universe.

Oh. Oh god. It's worse than a dildo, it's jizz.

Why is this.

Why this.

Correction, it's shapeshifting pink jizz that can turn into any damn thing it wants.

And it's got little eyes and this shit-eating grin.

GUH.

I want you to know my entire body convulsed at the mental image. You don't...you don't have that here, do you? Can it be killed with fire?

Nah, my grandparents had one, but... it belongs to a friend of theirs, now.

...but if one comes up we can certainly try.

Cute...

[Wait, she asked something.]

Candle-san, so... Something for scented candles. Lavender? Lilac. Jasmine. ...Soft blanket.

Lavender might work. I'm not gonna go with Blanket, though, that's almost as bad as when my bro named his Zorua Couch.

Couch? ...Is there a reason for that.

He likes to chill out and hide under the couch.

Oh. Cute. ...Sorry. I'm uncreative.

...I don't think anything beats Couch in terms of not being creative.

Bear-san. A bear-san.

At least bear-san is kinda dignified. Who the heck wants to be named after furniture?

Do they care? The Pokémon.

...sometimes.

How 'bout 420? 'Cause he's blazing it.

[Please don't listen to Jailbreak.]

[TOO LATE]

That's so beautiful.

[Somehow, you can just tell that she's got a shiteating grin even under the gasmask.]

He's gonna be a fucking majestic weed joke.

I'm going to raise him to be the most epic shitpost ever.

[She nods solemnly.]

Godspeed, my dude. You're doing good work here.

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