phonetasmal | "these are tearable puns"

[ Perhaps it feels like just any other day, at first... The sun is shining and there is-- something on their door? Every bedroom door has a page that's titled "THESE ARE TEARABLE PUNS" and contains ten of the below puns, in random selection (random, since it's up to each player).

Well... actually, no, it's not just the bedrooms; it's the refrigerator, the counter, the library...

These can be found everywhere, because no place is sacred, when it comes to these things. They're trying to go out and enjoy the hot tub? A sheet of paper. Trying to go out and enjoy the roof? A sheet of paper is there...

... waiting for them...

As said above, those who read these will find a page that has ten of the monstronsities below: ]

How do you comfort a grammar nazi?
Say, "there, their, they're."

Hey, are you made of Copper and Tellurium?
Cause you are CuTe.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

You can never explain a good pun to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.

What do you need when you're dehydrated?
A thirst aid kit.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

I started to write a joke about paper, until I remembered that it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

Want to hear a joke about construction?
. . . I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish were in a tank when one asked, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I would avoid the sushi around here, if I was you. It seems fishy.

If anyone wants them, I have two dead batteries. They're free of charge.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
. . . It's fine, he woke up.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

I didn’t play football because I enjoy the sport. I did it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem; it's a solution.

The number 13?
Not on my watch!

When attacked by a mob of angry clowns, go for the juggler.

I forgot how to throw a boomerang until it came back to me.

When oranges meet the press, they become pulp fiction.

[ Feel free to use this as a mingle post, and have your characters groan at one another over these! ]

"these are tearable puns"

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