"these are tearable puns"

[beguiledcard]

[ Perhaps it feels like just any other day, at first... The sun is shining and there is-- something on their door? Every bedroom door has a page that's titled "THESE ARE TEARABLE PUNS" and contains ten of the below puns, in random selection (random, since it's up to each player).

Well... actually, no, it's not just the bedrooms; it's the refrigerator, the counter, the library...

These can be found everywhere, because no place is sacred, when it comes to these things. They're trying to go out and enjoy the hot tub? A sheet of paper. Trying to go out and enjoy the roof? A sheet of paper is there...

... waiting for them...

As said above, those who read these will find a page that has ten of the monstronsities below: ]

How do you comfort a grammar nazi?
Say, "there, their, they're."

Hey, are you made of Copper and Tellurium?
Cause you are CuTe.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. 

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

You can never explain a good pun to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.

What do you need when you're dehydrated?
A thirst aid kit.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

I started to write a joke about paper, until I remembered that it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

Want to hear a joke about construction?
. . . I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish were in a tank when one asked, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I would avoid the sushi around here, if I was you. It seems fishy.

If anyone wants them, I have two dead batteries. They're free of charge.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
. . . It's fine, he woke up.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

I didn’t play football because I enjoy the sport. I did it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem; it's a solution. 

The number 13?
Not on my watch!

When attacked by a mob of angry clowns, go for the juggler. 

I forgot how to throw a boomerang until it came back to me.

When oranges meet the press, they become pulp fiction.

[ Feel free to use this as a mingle post, and have your characters groan at one another over these! ]

Comments

un: iondeluge (text)

[letsplayer]

[ She uploads a picture of her page, then sends into the void: ]

okay my dad used to make a lot of these

so for whoever's doing this

why

just why

i miss the guy but not enough to welcome back his terrible jokes

[beguiledcard]

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.




The police are looking into it.

Un: konawa talimo (text)

[dragonmouth]

Why wouldn't the oyster give up her pearl?

Because she was shellfish.

[ THIS FEELS SO LIBERATING ]

[matchmakes]

Back home, the army I was part of once had a contest to see who among us could come up with the best puns during some downtime. Feeling like I had a chance, I decided to try ten of my best.

If you're wondering how that went, how many of my puns won...

No pun in ten did.

[text] un: sharpwings

[matchmakes]

A friend from back home was telling me about corvids in his home country of Plegia and something interesting came up-- a Plegian crow has five pinion feathers, while the most common species of raven that's native to the continent has only four.

... He said that the difference between the crows and ravens that he's familiar with was a matter of a pinion.

(Disclaimer: I have no idea if this is factually true, I really am just parroting what he said. :) Had to keep up with the bird theme here somehow)

[beguiledcard]

11/10

text | un: m.c.

[blackestwitch]

Hey somebody put a poster or something up on my door, but I have no idea what it says.

un: iondeluge (text)

[letsplayer]

they're all terrible dad jokes

you're not missing much

text; luciferskylight

[burninglight]

[A CHALLENGE HAS BEEN ISSUED AND HE WILL NOT TAKE THIS LYING DOWN]

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What do you give a sick chocobo? Tweetment.

[letsplayer]

STOP

whyyyyyy

[byanyother_name]

[I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.]

That must leave you very melon-choly.

user: 2718-093molochst

[newlawtolight]

Pawnbrokers prefer customers without any redeeming qualities.

[...]

[dragonmouth]

Wonderful!

[beguiledcard]

Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered:

Is this where we may beheaded in the future?

un: ariadne

[daughterofthemark]

How does one move a wyvern from one location to another?

By dragon it!

[matchmakes]

... By the gods, I love it.

[letsplayer]

the fuck is a wyvern

Probablecaws

[foolishjustice]

I searched “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

How do trees get online? – They just log in.

Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!

Will glass coffins be a success? – Remains to be seen

Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?

Reports say there’s a small medium at large!

iondeluge

[letsplayer]

...not you too

WHY DID YOU BETRAY ME

[beguiledcard]

A taekwondo crime fighter always needs a good sidekick.

un: foxtales

[byanyother_name]

One of my friends became a vegetarian. It was like I'd never seen herbivore.

The reason most people disapprove of murder is because we don't want anyone to crocus.

The gardener couldn't plant any flowers because he hadn't botany.

There might be something of a theme here, but that's because my chemistry puns never get a reaction.

As I believe I successfully rose to the occasion, it's probably time for me to bough out gracefully...

[beguiledcard]

5,000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

action, not really here

[meowna]

[Oh my god, you people. You people. The entire network is just flooded with everyone shitposting. Why this?

Morgana reads some before groaning and turning his headset off, swiping it off his head and letting it bounce. He appreciates a good pun as much as the next guy, but..... well, this wall of dad jokes can't exactly be called good, can it?]

No.

[That's his only commentary on the matter, before he literally nopes out and crawls under the blankets.]

action;

[kingshaming]

[Between finding his own list, and more appearing all over... Xander can be found walking around, gathering them up with a pinched look on his face.

Do more keep appearing in places he's already been? Probably. Does he keep gathering them anyways until he has a huge pile? Yes, yes he does. He is a fucking pun killing machine but an unstoppable force cannot get past an unmovable wall. He's going to be doing this until he dies. Or until someone calls him out for being a fucking killjoy.]

[foolishjustice]

[At some point, Xander will return to his stack of puns and find approximately half of them missing. Where are they? Why, back where they started, of course! Albeit shuffled around because he doesn't remember where each one came from, but whatever.]

Thunderboy

[superstylishsquid]

What do you call a steak that tastes bad? A MISsteak.

Where did Noah keep his bees? – In the ark hives.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. it was tense.

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

I tried to think of how lightning works. Then it struck me.

text; carnivac

[anarchia]

Don't do this.

I'm not a cop anymore but I will still arrest you.

iondeluge

[letsplayer]

please

in fact let me call the pun police right now wee woo wee woo