phonetasmal | [voice] un: masayoshi shido

[voice] un: masayoshi shido

[He doesn't use video bc quite frankly he looks like Shit. So he uses voice. It's Not Much Better?]

How the fuck do you be a decent person...

No, wait.. [Give him a second.] How do you— know who you are? [???] Recently, something in me changed... was changed, forcefully, and...

[He's lost??? He's quiet for a few moments, before he growls. It sounds more like a groan.]

Nevermind. What is there to do around here?

[get some fucking rest shido????]

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[is he getting pep-talked by a cat? he sure is getting pep-talked by a cat.]

... I wanted to lead the country towards greatness. A country people could be proud to be a citizen of. But I also wanted—

["Pfffff... wait, you're not actually serious, are you?" "You sure as hell aren't getting my vote." "You, the Prime Minister? With jokes like that, you'd be a better stand-up comedian."]

... to prove myself.

["A nerd like you? Yeah right." "No one even likes you, Shido-chan. No way you'll ever get close to Prime Minister." "Again with that? Just give it up already."]

To win. To achieve what nobody thought I could, all by my own hand and hard work.

Perhaps from the very beginning it was just a means of compensation.

Compensation doesn't always have to be a bad thing, you know. If you understand your weaknesses, you can work to strengthen them, or at least offset them. It can be a way of knowing yourself and trying to be better.

[Gee, that doesn't sound familiar at all. Wanting to prove yourself? Wanting to make people believe in you? He knows how much it hurts to be looked down on and swept aside. Have a sigh.]

I wonder when you let go of that determination to do it all with your own two hands..... What did greatness really mean to you, back then? What kind of country would you have been proud of?

[Maybe, maybe he could have justified it as still being accomplished by his own hand and hard work if he'd done all the extortion and assassination and such himself. But he hadn't, had he? When had the ends started justifying the means? When had he stopped feeling like the process reflected on who he was and what he was capable of?]

It is when it's all you're concerned about.

[Had he always just been selfish? Always rotten? It disgusts him. But he tries to focus on the questions asked of him, instead of getting too wrapped up in himself yet again...]

A country that is prosperous... renowned as a leader in various different fields... One that is respected and has a government that does exactly what it is meant to do... Serve the people. None of the corruption that it was so deeply entrenched in.

[None of that corruption that he became.]

Everything is bad in excess.

[He'll listen to the description, though. Prosperous..... yes, the ship itself had been beautiful, sometimes even to the point of gaudiness. He had in fact gathered leaders from various fields, and protected them from the flooding that had engulfed the entire city, if not the entire country. The trappings were all there, just as he'd said--but his was a tiny, tiny country, if those were the only people who were worthy enough to count. Morgana sighs.]

.....Do you know what your Palace looked like, Shido? How you envisioned the country and its government?

Edited 2018-05-16 22:29 (UTC)

[He winces and bows his head in shame.]

... I can only imagine.

[He won't stop Morgana from telling him, of course. It's only what he deserves...]

The Diet Building was a luxury cruiser sailing through a flooded Japan. The great, prosperous, respected country you imagined had drowned.

[He's not going to sugar coat things or pull his punches, just lay out everything he saw and inferred. Knowing yourself means knowing all of it--even the filthy, shameful parts you don't want to acknowledge or were too blind to see yourself.]

You got lazy, Shido. I'm not saying you didn't put in the hours. I'm sure you did. But you let yourself get sloppy and started taking shortcuts to success, didn't you? Instead of sticking to your beliefs, you made excuses and rationalized what you were doing. It was probably easier and more "realistic" that way. You changed the definition of what hard work and proving yourself meant. You lost sight of the country and its people until you had it confused with your territory and your people.

It's no wonder you don't know who you are. You've gotten all twisted up inside until you don't even recognize yourself anymore. You need to remember what you used to believe, what your heart used to look like, then you can start figuring out what to do with it now.

[He's silent while he listens to it all. Haha.. Japan had drowned. He'd drowned it. Everything the Metaverse being says... is true.

He breathes out evenly.]

It's awfully presumptuous of you to assume I wasn't twisted from the start.

Hah. That's just the kind of person I am! A hero who upholds goodness no matter where it may be hidden, ready to find even the tiniest light in the darkness!

[He may be ridiculous and self-aggrandizing, but to be honest? He's not lying, either. He'll always search for the goodness in people, no matter how deeply buried it is. If that light is faltering, he'll feed it--if it's been snuffed out, he'll rekindle it. You may want to suffer and hate yourself..... but he doesn't want that, for you or himself. He wants that suffering to mean something, to make a difference for the better for everyone involved. Changes of heart should be rehabilitation, not just punishment.

He sobers a little though, quiet for a long minute before speaking up again. It's not like he knows all the details, but maybe.....]

.....Besides, you're the first person I've gotten to after a change of heart, besides Futaba. That means I actually do get a chance to confirm that sort of thing this time. Along with something else that's been bugging me a little since we were in your Palace. Did you.....

.....Has..... God ever talked to you, Shido? Or given you visions or prophetic dreams, maybe?

[Sure, it could just be exaggeration of a God or messiah complex or something, maybe--but Shadows generally don't outright lie. Shido is surely smart enough to have kept something so unbelievable under wraps in the real world, but..... he wonders. If this is real, it seems like it might be important for Shido to know too, if only for his peace of mind. Even if he'd outwardly dismissed it as a hallucination, odds seem good that he'd embraced it, even if subconsciously, if his Shadow had been espousing the idea.]

[... it absolutely is ridiculous. Shido, on the other hand, is determined to prove his badness. For someone who did the cruel things he did, he must have been twisted from the start. Surely no genuinely good person could ever fall that low. Surely no genuinely good person could ever commit the atrocities that he did with no other reason than their own self-agenda.

But the question snaps him out of his self-loathing thoughts, and the surprise in clear in his voice.]

How... [And then a realization, and a wry chuckle.] My Shadow told you, I presume. ... yes. They started quite long ago.

[Maybe it was because of those dreams that some part of him still felt like what he was doing was genuinely for the better, even if so many sacrifices were involved.]

That's right. He didn't say much about it, but he mentioned it in passing--things like how he was God's Chosen One, and how it was God's Will that things happened the way they did. I don't know all the details, since I haven't experienced myself yet.....

But I do know that there's apparently some kind of evil god pulling strings behind the scenes. I know we fight him and win. Even you may have been a pawn bent to some greater purpose.

... it was in my dreams. At first I dismissed them as mere dreams, but they... quickly increased in frequency, and in vividness. They felt... incredibly real.

I heard words like "cleansing" and "wash". That I needed to do these things to. . . heal the country. Getting rid of the pollutant... the corruption. I remember, not too long afterward, I... started getting even more aggressive in my strategy and in my treatment of others.

... to think perhaps I was just being used as a mere pawn the whole time is somehow.. fitting.

[It's hard to say whether that's a laugh or a sigh. Either way, there's no mirth in it.]

Maybe so..... I'd have to ask Akira to find out the full story, though.

[... Shido is quiet for awhile, seeming to contemplate something, but... dismisses the thought for now. He's still steeped a bit too deep in his self-loathing to really consider the fact that there may have been a very powerful influence on him, one that might have him things he would have never done otherwise...]

...mmm. It occurs to me that I don't know your name.

[Heh, Akechi had probably told him but he hadn't bothered with something so trivial...]

.....Heh. I guess we'll see if you remember it once you're not delirious, huh? My name is Morgana.

[Now Shido can at least go back and look it up later..... how badly will he cringe at this fully public conversation later, when he's in his right mind?]

Morgana... Thank you for all you've told and done for me so far.

[... it's actually quite sincere.]

You're welcome. I don't like leaving things half done, you know.

[Awww, look at that sincerity! He'll take it and be pleased with the progress.]

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[voice] un: masayoshi shido

my very rough headcanons

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