"these are tearable puns"

[beguiledcard]

[ Perhaps it feels like just any other day, at first... The sun is shining and there is-- something on their door? Every bedroom door has a page that's titled "THESE ARE TEARABLE PUNS" and contains ten of the below puns, in random selection (random, since it's up to each player).

Well... actually, no, it's not just the bedrooms; it's the refrigerator, the counter, the library...

These can be found everywhere, because no place is sacred, when it comes to these things. They're trying to go out and enjoy the hot tub? A sheet of paper. Trying to go out and enjoy the roof? A sheet of paper is there...

... waiting for them...

As said above, those who read these will find a page that has ten of the monstronsities below: ]

How do you comfort a grammar nazi?
Say, "there, their, they're."

Hey, are you made of Copper and Tellurium?
Cause you are CuTe.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. 

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

You can never explain a good pun to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.

What do you need when you're dehydrated?
A thirst aid kit.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

I started to write a joke about paper, until I remembered that it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

Want to hear a joke about construction?
. . . I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish were in a tank when one asked, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I would avoid the sushi around here, if I was you. It seems fishy.

If anyone wants them, I have two dead batteries. They're free of charge.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
. . . It's fine, he woke up.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

I didn’t play football because I enjoy the sport. I did it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem; it's a solution. 

The number 13?
Not on my watch!

When attacked by a mob of angry clowns, go for the juggler. 

I forgot how to throw a boomerang until it came back to me.

When oranges meet the press, they become pulp fiction.

[ Feel free to use this as a mingle post, and have your characters groan at one another over these! ]

Comments

text; luciferskylight

[burninglight]

[A CHALLENGE HAS BEEN ISSUED AND HE WILL NOT TAKE THIS LYING DOWN]

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What do you give a sick chocobo? Tweetment.

[letsplayer]

STOP

[burninglight]

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

[letsplayer]

YOU'RE KILLING ME

oh look i'm dead

someone reset the murder counter

[burninglight]

no vote in the world will convict me

i'm hilarious

[letsplayer]

oh no

whoever shall avenge me

[cyclicalconcept]

Crows can!

They always come with murders...

[letsplayer]

THIS IS NOT THE HERO I DESERVE

1/2

[cyclicalconcept]

No worries! I know what to do!

2/2

[cyclicalconcept]

[Ten minutes later there is a polite knock on Marla's door.]

[letsplayer]

...hey.

[ She's slightly afraid, are there more puns ]

[cyclicalconcept]

Your hero has arrived! You should open your door!

[...

maybe]

[letsplayer]

[She cracks open the door and sticks her head out.]

...is it a pizza.

[cyclicalconcept]

[Sadly no.

But it is a hero!]

[letsplayer]

Holy shit, thanks. I'm not even gonna complain about the bad puns, you seriously did me a solid here.

[ Well, that gets her to smile. Seriously, she was hungry. ]

[cyclicalconcept]

[A "Weihihi, you're welcome!" is coming from somewhere down the hall.

No one's hiding there, nope.]

[letsplayer]

...Huh?

[ She's just. Gonna shove that sandwich in her mouth as she makes her way down the hall. ]

[cyclicalconcept]

[She's like two feet away, oops.]

Oh--!

Uh, hi...

[letsplayer]

[ She pulls the sandwich out of her mouth just long enough to speak. ]

Hey. Like I said, you did me a real solid back there, thanks.

You havin' fun with puns too?

[cyclicalconcept]

Ah, you're welcome! I can't help it...it's just simply, but also fun to do!

[letsplayer]

...is it really?

[cyclicalconcept]

Yes, absolutely! It can really put a spin on a bad situation.

whyyyyyy

[byanyother_name]

[I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.]

That must leave you very melon-choly.

[founderinglight]

The time just wasn't ripe.

[Hello yes did you forget THERE ARE TWO OF THEM.]

[burninglight]

It wasn't very raisinable, but I had to draw a lime somewhere.